Advice Column For Horses


Dear Mane Mare
A “Dear Abby” for horses
and their problems with people … (us).


Dear Mane Mare,
When ever we are out on the trail and I hear, see or smell something, he refuses to take my warnings about potential danger. He bullies me into going forward no matter how much I protest. Where’s the logic in proceeding if I’ve warned him?
Signed:  Confused Gelding

Dear Confused,
Despite the fact that their ears, eyes, and their nostrils are smaller than ours, they think that if they can’t hear, see or smell it, it doesn’t exist. The only thing they have that is bigger than ours is their ego. So, on that theme, how can he bully you if you have bigger muscles than him? Next time let him find another ride home.


Dear Mane Mare,
What are all the little signs with symbols on them in the arena now that she has decided we are destined for dressage?
Signed, Gotta Know

Dear Gotta Know,
They are called letters—from the human alphabet and here’s what they stand for:

A is for acrobatics and airs above the ground. Try some.

B is for bolt, buck or back up. Variety is the spice of life!

C is for canter… regardless of cues given.

D is for dodge… out the gate. Conveniently placed don’t you think?

E is for expression. Petrified works well.

F is for fart. Those arenas are way too quiet.

G is for gallop. Don’t you love speed?

H is for halt. Sudden is better.

I is for inverted. Head up and back hollowed is ideal.

K is for kick. Extra points if you can knock over that silly little fence.

L is for leap, lunge or lie down. See? I told you variety was the spice of life.

M is for manure. Make deposits close enough to the judges for aromas to waft.

P is for pirouette. May I suggest a quick 180?

R is for rear or roll. Show them the underside of your girth.

S is for slide and sit. The reiners do it, so why not us?

V is for voice. Give them a good sample of yours.

X is for exit… unless you are adept at crossing your legs.

They left out J,N,O,Q,T,U,W and Z—otherwise known as Jump, Nicker, Obstinate, Quick, Terrified, Urinate, Whinny and Zoom!

From Ride Magazine

Published in: on August 9, 2007 at 3:51 pm  Comments (3)  
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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I love the Dressage one! I hope you add more soon! This is so going into my favorites!
    –Lauryn M.

  2. “L is for leap, lunge or lie down. See? I told you variety was the spice of life.”

    hahaha this was funny, my horse would LOVE it~! he does have a sense of humor sometimes even as old as he is.

  3. Seems only fair that horses should have a place to express their opinions and frustrations with some of the crazy things we make them do.

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